Yesterday was my birthday, and I've reached the great mid age of 45. It's been an amazing weekend of celebration with friends and family, and a honestly a true joy. Yes, it was technically a Tuesday, yes, it rained, and yes I worked all day—but I chose for it to be a wonderful day, and somehow that makes all the difference.

My mom asked me this weekend if hitting 45 felt different, and the first and unchecked answer was no. Turning 45 doesn't affect my psyche, I still feel young(ish), healthy, and the same old me! But, there are a few things stirring underneath. I've always compared my age to my older brother, who died a long time ago. If I'm 45, then he would have been 47. For some reason, THAT bothered me. I'm approaching the age where I will have lived longer without him in my life, then with him. That is hard for my brain to comprehend. He never met my husband, my beautiful children, or got to the see amazing life I've built. He was 25 when he died, and I was 23. Absolute babies. It is downright tragic.

Since his death and because of his death, my view on life changed dramatically. There is a deep appreciation for it's fragility, and how very quickly it can change—on a dime, forever. Because of this, I view aging as a tremendous gift, and feel the time we do have should be surrounded by people we love, doing what we love, and helping others in any way we can.

In case you haven't noticed lately, the world seems to be falling apart. Literally, the news and the politics of late are enough to make me vomit. I'm a pretty sensitive person, so I try and insulate as much as I can so I don't fall to pieces. The other radical act and strategy I use to fight what feels like crippling fear about the world we live in ( besides lots of sarcasm) is finding joy, and celebrating the little things. To call out joy is to celebrate the good, and when you look around- it's literally everywhere. 

So in honor of my 45th birthday, and to combat what is a scary and depressing world, I give you 45 things that I am grateful for, in no specific order. Some of these are BIG things ( aka, my kids, obviously) and some of these are remarkably small. But, calling them out helps me find the joy in the everyday, and I hope maybe it will inspire you to find all the good that's out there, if you choose to see it.

45 things I'm grateful for

1. My health. The other night during my krav maga class, I tweaked my right calf. I've injured it the past and the fear of not being 100% sank in immediately. The last time I injured it, I was unable to finish testing for my black belt. It crushed my soul. I had been training and building up to the moment for years, and it was sucked away. In reality, all I had to do was wait for it to heal and my life went back to normal. It was a temporary inconvenience. This made me think of all the people who are in chronic pain, or unable to use their body the way they want too. Your health is literally everything, and each day I can run up the stairs is a gift. Some people would give anything just for that.
2. Coffee. Yes, that's the second thing on the list- and don't judge. The ritual of having coffee in the morning is borderline spiritual. My alarm goes off at 5:50 everyone morning, I hit snooze until 6, and then sleep walk down the stairs to the coffee pot. If it's a good day, the pot was programmed the night before and I can smell the delicious aroma before I make it down the stairs. I hold the cup and it warms me and wakes me, in that moment, there is nothing I'm more grateful for.
3. Friends. This is a big one. I defy you to find better friends than the ones I have. If you are reading this, you know who you are—and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you. Having "your people" is life changing. People who accept you, the good and the bad, and who love you anyway—that is the secret to happiness. 
4. Cats. Don't get me wrong, I do love ALL animals, but I was born loving kitties and that will never change. When I was in elementary school I would draw cats, big cats specifically all the time. Tigers were a constant source of inspriation. Even with an allergic husband, my feline companions are essential. I currently have 3 little loves who brighten my every single day. Head butts in the morning, bed mates at night—even on the worst days, or days when you aren't feeling your best, they know how to comfort you.
5. Sunsets. I still to this day find myself in awe of a cotton candy sky. I can't help but try and capture it with my phone, every time. The pictures never do it justice, yet I persist. My house is in a wooded area, so we can't actually see the sunset each day. Because of this, when I'm out and about and get the opportunity to witness it, I stop in my tracks.
6. Walks. Movement and exercise are critical for me, and walking is probably the most underrated thing that makes the biggest difference. We walk to the bus stop each day, and there is always grumbling from the kids about why we can't just drive. They think I'm annoying and crazy, but anyone who was tired and grumpy on the way out the door is in a lot better shape by the time we make it to the stop. That is not a coincidence. Whenever I'm struggling, feeling anxious or need to figure something out for work, walking tends to be my answer.
7. Runs. I both love and hate running. That paradox is not lost on me, but I'm grateful for the struggle and triumph it provides. I love running with my group, they are the best, and the community, the mutual complaining, the endless laughter drowns out the internal monologue of "why am I doing this!?". The longer the run, the more time to chat, the more time to share, the more time to roast your running mates. 
8. My Church. Church is where my family gets to pause and re-center. It's a place where I'm reminded that I'm a beloved child of God, and loving others is what I'm meant to do. I wish I could say we make it to church each Sunday, but honestly our life is 90% chaos and 10% crazy. When we DO make it, I'm always grateful for the moment, and something in either the sermon or the readings miraculously speaks directly towards what I'm struggling with or needed to hear.
9. My family. They are my why. My husband, my three amazing kids. When I said earlier that life is short and time is precious and not guaranteed, this is where it hits home. Anxiety has been a part of my life since my 30s ( see number 6 and 7 in ways I manage it ). Remembering how lucky I am, even when I want to pull my hair out and scream, "No! I don't know where your ballet shoes are, and, why is there no toilet paper in the bathroom for the 5 millionth time!?"   After losing a loved one completely unexpectedly ( my brother took his own life ) nothing seems guaranteed anymore. Savoring each moment becomes essential. My mind can play a tragic story in about 2 seconds about losing a loved one, and the fact that it is real causes deep gratitude in the present and the now.
10. Routine. Just have a single week that doesn't follow the routine, then MAN are you grateful for it to come back. This week my girls are in tech week for a Ballet to be performed this weekend, and on top of that it's Holy Week. Basically, everything we normally do is out the door and it takes so much energy to keep on top of it. I love routine, and I find peace when I have it.
11. My Heated steering wheel. Can I get an Amen? I have Reynaud's Disease, the thing where you lose the blood in your extremities, and my love of running in New England directly conflicts with my bodies ability to stay warm. My heated steering wheel is a gift from God. End of story.
12. The Greeting card industry. I work in the best industry with the best people. Not too many bad eggs in the "I want to create cards and send people messages to make them happy" category. We are a community of folks who champion each other and want to see everyone succeed. If I need help or have a question about anything, I have more people I can reach out to who will stop what they are doing and just help.
    
13. Trash Day. You laugh, but with a family of 5 people and 4 animals, and a small business running out of your house—trash day would be your favorite day too! Our poor recycling guy just beeps and waves, though I'm sure he's baffled where it all comes from. He's a saint.
14. Our Military and their families. On my last group run, we took a road trip to DC for the Marine Corp 17.75K, a precursor to the Marine Corp Marathon this upcoming October. After the run our group decided to visit Arlington National Cemetery. I may have been there before as a kid, before a true understanding of what it meant could hit me, but in all regards- this was my first time. The amount of sacrifice I witnessed while looking out over endless tombstones, families losing their loved ones, heroic men and women giving their lives for our country and our freedom moved me to tears. I feel it's a place everyone should visit, and really let the weight of sacrifice sink in. We visited the National Mall afterwards, and reading the profound messages of our leaders past hit with a different tone after the trip to Arlington. I'm grateful for their service and sacrifice.
15. Teachers. I don't know how they do it. Patience of saints, the ability to shape our young kids lives and inspire. It is a gift and I'm so grateful for those who dedicate their lives to such a critical and hard profession. They don't always realize the dramatic impact they have, but I've seen it with all of my kids. When that connection is made, it's everything.
16. Wine, and cheese. I could also add dark chocolate, but that will get it's own number. 
17. The library. I could stay at the library all day. I mean, I never can—I'm lucky to run in and out with ten minutes and a stack of overdue books. But, I love the smell of the books, the endless options, the art on the covers. Don't judge a book by it's cover is of course true, but DO get inspired by the typography and illustration and the color. And, lets make the whole thing even better... it's quiet, it's free, it's actually heaven.
18. April. Despite the fact that my birthday falls in March, I really don't love the month. When April finally hits, and the small signs of spring start to show- it feels like a weight is being taken off my shoulders. This winter was particularly cold and seemed relentless. I'm grateful for April, and it's rain ( I guess ) because that means we are one step closer to May ;)
19. My husband. I already touched on this a bit in the family category, but he deserves his own call out. He is the kindest, most easy going, helpful, BRILLIANT man. He makes me coffee, supports me constantly, is just as involved in getting the kids through their paces as I am. He understands my need to move my body, exercise, and run about and allows me the space and time to let it happen. He is my IT department and unpaid 2021 Co. employee. He rubs my head at night,until I fall asleep, usually within 5 minutes of hitting the pillow. Not only is he this way with me, he helps my friends, their friends, anyone who needs a hand. 
20. An unscheduled day. This is rare, as in almost non-existent in my current life, but when a unicorn arrives and I have a full free day, it feels exceptional. One could say this is not as hard as it sounds, but if you've met me, you know I like to say yes to pretty much everything. It's a flaw, and I do try to work on it, but some things don't like to change.
21. group chats. Want texts at 2am with memes that will make you laugh in the morning? Have a lively group chat. I think the best thing about these is there is no pressure, and you can just jump in and out when you can, and enjoy the laughs. Sometimes I can look at my phone and discover 80 missed messages after hopping of a zoom. The places these conversations go are unpredicatable and ALWAYS something to read.
22. Cape Cod. This is our happy place, the ocean, the small towns, the endless ice cream shops, the sunsets. I'm grateful this place exists and our family has made it a part of our lives. We try and be there as often as we can, both in winter and through the summer to slow down and step away from the crazy that is our lives. It's always waiting to welcome us.
23. Margaritas. Am I grateful for them, yes. Are they dangerous, yes. I still stand by it on my list.
24. The desire for Adventure. This one may sound funny, but if you met 20 year old Emily, she was really shy and afraid to do almost anything. Luckily, with a best friend pushing me beyond that girl, and the advancement of smartphones and a trusty gps, I gained the ability and desire to travel and find adventure. Seeing new places and trying new things ranks as something I'm extremely grateful for. 
25. Krav Maga. I'm not only grateful to have the training and skill that comes by learning Krav. I'm grateful for the community at my dojo, which is honestly the coolest group of people you could meet. All walks of life, all ages, sizes and abilities, all are welcome and all are supported. And, you get to learn some pretty bad ass moves, and feel like you could protect yourself if you needed too. 
26. A nicely made bed. Again, this may sounds weird, but there is nothing better than slipping into a beautiful bed, with the sheets so tight it's like a glove. Heaven!
27. A mechanic in the family. My son went to a vocational high school, and graduated with enough skill to work directly under the wings of a local shop where he has flourished. I now have someone who can fix pretty much anything, and it is so impressive. He tells me what he's working on and he might as well be speaking a different language. 
28. dark chocolate ( preferably with sea salt )
29. Wordle. I'm not one to play games on their phone, really ever. But I do wordle every morning, it's another part of my routine ( coffee, wordle ) and it bring a weird little bit of joy and satisfaction every day
30. A good sports bra. Again, maybe TMI, but if you like to run, and you not wearing the right bra-I'm sorry. It is just the worst. I recently found yvette sports bras and they were life changing. 
31. SNL skits. The SNL weekend update makes me feel like I'm not alone in this world. I'm never actually awake to watch SNL ( see the 45 year old status ) but laughing out loud as I watch the clips while sipping my coffee is the best.
32. My yard. Although this is not the season, I'm grateful to live in a place where I have some land, lots of gardens and green space to call my own. Right now it looks like a war zone, winter has done it's damage, but soon it will become a little space of joy. And the process of getting it there always makes me happy.
33. Ballet. I've watched my two girls grow before my eyes, in leotards. Both started ballet when they were teeny, and the poise and grace they have learned, the discipline they have gained, and the beauty they can display I attribute to the art that is ballet. 
34. Road trips. Flying is fast yes, but how about traveling hours and hours, planning your course based on food. Not too shabby! There is something to be said for taking time to do things, fast is great but the journey is a big part of the trip. I've done a few road trips now, the biggest being an RV trip in Utah, a girls trip to Toronto to see Taylor Swift, and recently down to Virginia for the Marine Corp run. All of these stand out for various reasons as some of my favorite adventures, and the through line is we had a lot of time for talking and laughing and just being together.
35. My apple watch. I'm cringing as I type this, but it's so important to me on a daily basis, for a few reasons. One, it tracks my workouts and my steps, obviously lots of different things can do this, but still, it's great. The real thing it does that can't be undersold is it pings my phone so I can find it. This one feature is a game changer. Especially when I'm running late ( who me?) and need to get my phone before I leave. I wish it could also ping my car Fob. Maybe the next release?
36. Struggle. Do I love struggle and hardship, absolutely not. Am I grateful for what it does to help me grow and change, 100%. I've grown so much through overcoming struggles and I attribute who I am today a product of making it through the hard times, with support and friends, a great therapist, and exercise. 
37. A great therapist. Everyone should have one, and there should be no stigma attached to it. A sounding board and mirror into your life, trained to listen and help guide you through any struggles is so important. When my anxiety was at it's highest in my mid 30s, my husband actually found me my therapist, and she helped me change my life. Through a lot of work, medication, and time, I was able to get a hold of it, and although it will always be a part of me, it's not the demon it once was. 
38. My job. I get to create art for a living. It's kind of a great deal. Of course there is a ton more to running a business than this one thing, but when my kids see me working after school in my little office, they can often find me painting, drawing, or lettering. They think this is normal and a true profession, and that is really cool. I love that they are exposed to this type of work and I see them modeling what I do in their school projects, and the amazing cards they've learned to make and give. They value art, and greeting cards. Makes me proud and grateful.
39. The sun. All you have to do is have a few cloudy and rainy days to realize that we were meant to live in the sun. Especially this time of year when vitamin D is at an all time low, the sun might as well be everything. Of course as I'm typing this- the sun is hiding, but when it decides to show up, I will be ready.
40. hoodies, actually sweatpants too. I'm really into the fact that athleisure is a thing, because there is nothing better than some comfy sweats. Some of mine have seen better days, but they are like old friends and will never go away. 
41. A good eraser. A bad eraser can destroy a project. It can be so unassuming, you pick up a random and perfectly good looking option to clean up a drawing or sketch—just to realize you ruined your artwork with a huge black smudge of a bad eraser. I'm loyal to my pink pearl, but like many things in my office ( scissors and tape ) they disappear into the hands of my creative daughters, and never return.
42. Cinnamon Tea. Also known to me as an afternoon hug. I'm loyal to coffee in the morning, but after lunch I switch to my favorite tea. It feels like a treat with it's warm inviting smell, and it warms me up in my office as I make it through the second half of the day. 
43. Photos. My camera roll currently lists 66,598 pictures. That is an obscene number, and yes a bunch of the images are for work, but my life has been recorded through image. I use my personal instagram as a way to remember each year. I post pictures in chronological order in batches, so that at the end of the year I can turn it into a photo book. Not only do I love looking through these books, my kids love them. They can't help but look through each year, and remember things, marvel at how much they've changed. They are precious to me. 
44. Making it to number 44. This is probably the longest thing I've written since college~and I made it to the finish line!
45. My age. It's taken me 45 years to become the person I am today. So much growth, so much learning, risk taking, adventure. I'm excited to see the next chapter and how it unfolds. If you made it this far in the list, thanks for hanging in there! I'm grateful for you.

xo,

Emily